I really don't have anything important to say.

It was not until the beginning of the year 2007 that I began to understand the blessing that God has given me in the location in which I live; I am, ofcourse, talking about the beach that lies to the west of my room, I measly 5 minutes away from my house.

I find it hard to accurately describe the tantalizing captivity the ocean holds over me. It's weird, this feeling. Something obscure and incomprehensible tugging at my sould, beckoning me to lose all innner thoughts to a mysterious pallet of blues, greens, browns and grays that sway nauseously like a ballet corp.

It was there that today I found something... or maybe lost something? I'm not to sure yet.

As I layed outstretched upon the sand, welcoming the gritty texture of decomposing sediments, a thought flittered across my mind so fast, I for sure thought it would leave as fast as it came... but it stayed with me and is weighing heavily upon my heart. I'm not even sure how to explain it, but I'll give it a try.

Every time I go to the beach, I know it is because a begrudgingly ugly and disgusting thought or action needs to be analyzed. This type of picking apart of ones self is so unbelievably... hard. Just hard. The waves beautiful symphany lulls me into a place of acceptance and tranquility as I let my mind and soul fight over what was and what has come to pass.

It is but a week before I am to leave on a one month trip of pouring out and sharing God's love... and I don't know how to do it. Am I capable of doing it? Here I am, believing in God, but it is not nearly enough. God did not call us to believe it Him. He called us to follow Him, and for the past couple of weeks, I have chosen to lead my own life, and it is going to the dogs. I'm watching history repeat itself. I know how to stop the vile cycle, but am to transfixed by the mysterious waves of the world.

I have scarcely picked up my bible and actually had quiet time with God. I am mean, and instigatting dreadful situations for not only myself, but others- as well as falling apart at the seams due to my own selfishness. I've sat ready, waiting for the opportune moment to shove my finger down my thraot and rid my stomach of it's contants because of my own insecurity, and I've let my imagination travel into desperate cornors of my own mind- ones I am to ashamed to let other people know I have thought about or done.

It's like the ocean is my world. Grotesque waves smash upon my ground, beckoning me to play in a pool of water with deciving undertoes ready to snatch me up and let me drown.

I know the water is going to be cold.. no, freezing, but I let it lure me into a false sense of security and put a foot in. Why do I act shocked when the ferverous cold creeps into my bone. The knowledge was there, but easily dismissed. So I sit there, mentally slapping myself for placing my foot into the water, yet failing to simply pull it out.

Soon my foot grows numb and I can't feel. I place my left foot in, following step, and repeat, until my whole body is submerged... and I forgot I don't know how to swim. So I quietly drown, putting up a pathetic fight, all the while honestly wondering how I allowed myself to get so deep.

Where do I go from there? I don't know how to get out of this one. I can't argue my way from this. No one is to blame but me. And here I am, still drowning, wishing I would've taken the swimming lessons my father offered me.

Utterly screwed comes to mind- as well as unworthy to resurface for air. Maybe I should let myself drown.

And when I think this, I only sink faster.

Why am I not putting my whole effort into following Christ. What am I scared of? I squawk like a bird when it comes to what I should be doing to save the world and how humanity fails miserably at helping others.

I can complain and wine all I want at the down fall of man, but I will get no where until I face the facts.

I am my own fault.

I am the reason why man is bad. It is me. Can one be so scared of their own reflection? Why am I letting the worldly image of me hold back who I am in Christ.

Am I so scared of being alone?

Will I be able to pull it together in time enough to tell God's children about the amazing love story of God, whilst convincing myself that amungst all the bad I have committed, I am forgiven. There's no rocks to hide under. Just me, and waves tossing my mind around, picking apart my motives.

Have I really allowed myseld to become so absorbed in what has happened with my these last couple of months that I have become something I dread- a zombie with heaven in their head and hell in their heart?

No, I refuse to walk away any further than I already have. Maybe I just needed to get this off my chest first. Maybe I needed to be the bigger person an admitt this somewhere other then an afterthought to a stupid decision. Is this a start? I don't know, but it is something.

Okay Ari, the choice is yours: continue to walk the direction you are going, and you will end up in your own grave. Or, turn around, and allow yourself to be carried by the creator of all things.

I want to do a 360, I do. I need to get over this fear of messing up and being unable to go back to the Father for forgiveness. I need to stop trying to swim without my flotation devices. Otherwise, I will sink faster than the titanic.

So here I go. I need to fall away from the past.

Father God, please, grant me the strength to do this. I beseech you, Father. There is something I have done. Father, there is so much I have done and said that by no means can be undone. I ask for forgiveness. My creator, create in me a heart worthy of being called Yours.

So I want to turn your attention to this subject: "Loving Your Enemies." It’s so basic to me because it is a part of my basic philosophical and theological orientation—the whole idea of love, the whole philosophy of love. In the fifth chapter of the gospel as recorded by Saint Matthew, we read these very arresting words flowing from the lips of our Lord and Master: "Ye have heard that it has been said, ‘Thou shall
love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.’ But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven."

Certainly these are great words, words lifted to cosmic proportions. And over the centuries, many persons have argued that this is an extremely difficult command. Many would go so far as to say that it just isn’t possible to move out into the actual practice of this glorious command. They would go on to say that this is just additional proof that Jesus was an impractical idealist who never quite came down to
earth. So the arguments abound. But far from being an impractical idealist, Jesus has become the practical realist. The words of this text glitter in our eyes with a new urgency. Far from being the pious injunction of a utopian dreamer, this command is an absolute necessity for the survival of our civilization. Yes, it is love that will save our world and our civilization, love even for enemies.

Now let me hasten to say that Jesus was very serious when he gave this command; he wasn’t playing. He realized that it’s hard to love your enemies. He realized that it’s difficult to love those persons who seek to defeat you, those persons who say evil things about you. He realized that it was painfully hard, pressingly hard. But he wasn’t playing. And we cannot dismiss this passage as just another example of
Oriental hyperbole, just a sort of exaggeration to get over the point. This is a basic philosophy of all that we hear coming from the lips of our Master. Because Jesus wasn’t playing; because he was serious. We have the Christian and moral responsibility to seek to discover the meaning of these words, and to discover how we can live out this command, and why we should live by this command.

Now first let us deal with this question, which is the practical question: How do you go about loving your enemies? I think the first thing is this: In order to love your enemies, you must begin by analyzing self. And I’m sure that seems strange to you, that I start out telling you this morning that you love your enemies by beginning with a look at self. It seems to me that that is the first and foremost way to come to an
adequate discovery to the how of this situation.

Now, I’m aware of the fact that some people will not like you, not because of something you have done to them, but they just won’t like you. I’m quite aware of that. Some people aren’t going to like the way you walk; some people aren’t going to like the way you talk. Some people aren’t going to like you because you can do your job better than they can do theirs. Some people aren’t going to like you because other people like you, and because you’re popular, and because you’re well-liked, they aren’t going to like you. Some people aren’t going to like you because your hair is a little shorter than theirs or your hair is a little longer than theirs. Some people aren’t going to like you because your skin is a little brighter than theirs; and others aren’t going to like you because your skin is a little darker than theirs. So that some people aren’t going to like you. They’re going to dislike you, not because of something that you’ve done to them, but because of various jealous reactions and other reactions that are so prevalent in human nature...

you want to be integrated with yourself, and the way to be integrated with yourself is be sure that you meet every situation of life with an abounding love. Never hate, because it ends up in tragic, neurotic responses. Psychologists and psychiatrists are telling us today that the more we hate, the more we develop guilt feelings and we begin to subconsciously repress or consciously suppress certain emotions, and they all stack up in our subconscious selves and make for tragic, neurotic responses. And may this not be the neuroses of many individuals as they confront life that that is an element of hate there. And modern psychology is calling on us now to love. But long before modern psychology came into being, the world’s greatest psychologist who walked around the hills of Galilee told us to love. He looked at men and said: "Love your enemies; don’t hate anybody." It’s not enough for us to hate your friends because—to to love your friends—because when you start hating anybody, it destroys the very center of your creative response to life and the universe; so love everybody. Hate at any point is a cancer that gnaws away at the very vital center of your life and your existence. It is like eroding acid that eats away the best and the objective center of your life. So Jesus says love, because hate destroys the hater as well as the hated.

Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, "Love your enemies." It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. That’s why Jesus says, "Love your enemies." Because if you hate your enemies, you have no way to redeem and to transform your enemies. But if you love your enemies, you will discover that at the very root of love is the
power of redemption. You just keep loving people and keep loving them, even though they’re mistreating you. Here’s the person who is a neighbor, and this person is doing something wrong to you and all of that. Just keep being friendly to that person. Keep loving them. Don’t do anything to embarrass them. Just keep loving them, and they can’t stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with bitterness because they’re mad because you love them like that. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they’ll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That’s love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There’s something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies.

My weird mood has ceased to exist, but I think today, something happened.

Moi, seriously one of the best bands ever, came all the way down here to play at my church. It was... stirring, amazing, inspirational? They just have something more, you know? Don't get me wrong, Moi has a beautiful voice, and Daly and Matt and Daly's lil bro (I'm really sorry, but his name just does not ring a bell) are truly musically gifted... but it's not necessarily that which makes them an incredible band... it's their passion for Christ and passion for understanding others that makes them as wonderful as they really are. I feel really blessed that they came out here and shared the evening with me and my church.

It was like having a little peice of Hume when I needed it the most.

Emotionally, there is so much going on right now. I can't even pin point what it is, and why it is effecting me the way it is... but I've been sincerly struggling with who I am and what I am here for... what I am good at.

I have set so many goals for myself, I can't keep track anymore. I've been letting my insecurities control my life, and it has put me at a really low place. I'm so scared of letting everyone down. I'm so afraid of failing. I know I should only be worrying about what it is that He thinks, and how I can please Him, but that is not where my mind set has been. I would by lying if I said I truly have been trying to live up to my full potential in Christ.

I guess you can say that tonight, I had some what of a small epiphany. I have always had trouble with comparing myselfs to others, and letting my insecurities dictate what I do and what I am capable of. Tonight, as Moi was speaking of God's unconditional love, I felt like crying. I felt like trying just breaking myseld open and exposing myself raw before God.

At Hume, I honestly did make the commitment of trusting God completely. Coming back from Hume, for a while, it was easy and I could do it. But as things kept getting hurled at me, and the tests got harder... I began to trip more frequently. I hate it. I hate dissapointing others... but moreover, I just feel horrible when I dissapoint God.

It's so hard to lay down one's pride and realize we're not perfect. My want for perfection is useless and selfish. Who am I helping by constantly worrying about whether or not I am pleasing another? It is an audience of one. I say it all the time... but I really need to start listening to it.

So, I have decided to take life one step at a time. I need to allow God to work on me, on peice at a time, instead of asking that he would change me all at one.

Right now, I really need to work on my ability to love. I need to let people love me. I need to actually believe that I am worth something, that I can be loved, and I should be loved. How am I trusting God if I don't listen to Him when He says I am significant.

It's easy to make up excuses, but it's time to stop lying to myself. No matter how much I have been hurt, or convinced that I am unloveable, well, does that really matter? At the end of the day, I am a creation of God, not the world. I have an all knowing Father that created me uniquely and I need to see the beauty He has created in me.

Maybe this sounds silly, but I think I need to get up in the morning, and as I'm getting ready to start my day, thank God that He made me the way He did. I need to be thankful that I was created in His image and that He loves me even though I am not perfect.

Though this seems like something that should be  extremely obvious, I feel like I just jumped one hurtle that has been thrown in my path. It's some sort of small accomplishment.

-ari

p.s. Check out the band The Cinematics. They were an opener for the Mute Math concert I went to and are sooo good. I was listening to their CD while I wrote this =)

For my English class, my teacher has assigned a very interesting project. We are to make an Avant-Garde, or rather, a shocking piece of artwork that displays our personal views on the world today. While most of the class chose to create movies on the ridiculousness that is our government, I decided to discuss the selfishness of humanity and our obsessive need for the media and technology. Part of my project is a satirical essay on the homeless epedemic that has befallen our nation. To do this, I went into the city to take notes. I spent three days sitting outside random coffee shops, sipping coffee and people watching. What I saw was utterly depressing and sickening. What I saw was man's inability to love... It was different than anything I have truely ever seen... and it scared me. While I was there, I brought my journal and wrote in it. The following are a couple of exerts from it.

Mission St. 9:00 am.

I sit waiting at a bus stop in San Francisco. To my left lays a sky rise, to my right, the city's latest construction project. It is but nine am, and the city if boiling with life. Jack hammers and buses are a constant noise, spilling into my ears a depriving my head of any chance of clearity. Already, I am sucked into an entoxicating world, easily lost to the small city I left behind. Pigeons, used to human contact and limited space, loitre the city side walks, diligently scrounging for scraps. The city bus comes rolling down the narrow streets, tires squeaking and people rushing. Rushing. Hastily trying to get their day started, man has clocked in. Now, it is an all out war to acompolish the unacomplishable before night falls and the day ends. haha. Good luck.

It is as if they are stuck in fast forward, ceasing to pause and truely see what is happening around them. They're stuck in a cylcle. Wake up, work, sleep, wake up, work, sleep. A never ending cycle, trying to find the end. Do they not see that a circle has no end? It's ongoing. Maybe they missed the memo?

Ahead of me lies a rather large Sam Trams bus, daring the bold to enter and drown in the diverse ecstasy San Francisco's back alleys have to offer. I myself am tempted... but then I would be unable to adress what lays behind me: the forgotten. Behing me, men and women alike sit waiting. They have no concept of time, nothing to persaude them their life is worth living for. They sit waiting paitently for a day inwhich they can be acknowledged... A day when they are allowed to exsist.

Coming into the city, I was told to never look any homeless person in the eye. But what if... what if I actually did? What if I chose to actually see them, and better yet, what if I let them know I saw them? What if I was forced to see the tragedy man has let befall upon brother? "Don't look, Ari. Never look- they might expect it from everyone else."

The reality is, they cried out for help, and we pretended not to hear. We let them end up this way, stuck in a constant state of half-living, the fear of whether or not they will live through the night never leaving their thoughts. Man does what he does best, shrink back into himself and ignore.

We are quick to judge, quick to accuse, quick to blame such sorrow on anyone but ourselves. "Well, isn't it obvious Ari, they chose this lifestyle. We could do nothing to help. They wanted this." BULL! How could anyone truely wish this upon themselves???? Are we so afraid as to admit that they are broken and need help? Or is the real reason we refuse a helping hand because then it would mean we would have to admit we are just as broken? You, who are trying to fill an empty void by voluntarily get lost in cycles of work, and drugs and drinks and sex in hopes of forgetting. You keep busy to forget who you are, and they long to remember.

We deny them even that...

Market St. 10: 33

We constantly force the homeless to relive the moment their world fell apart. Man treats them like a stray dog. "Never feed them, never cloth them, and for God's sake, never love them because Lord help us if they ever come back for more!" Man dehumanizes the homeless, forgetting they have feelings and compares them to rats; filth. We worry of no one but ourselves, undoing the studies of Copernicus, becoming our own sun and expecting everything and everyone to revolve around us.

Market St. 3: 58

I ventured further down Market until I reached the tenderloin. I have no idea how I got there, but I did. I don't think I have been called white-girl quiet so much in just one hour (7 times, for the record). Admittedly, I began to get scared, so I turned around.

It's insane, the human tragedy that lives outside our house, playing in our backyard. Why didn't we see it coming? Wrong question. Why didn't we do anything to prevent it? I can't even imagine what it would be like; concrete my bed, darkness my blanket. I pitty the homeless. Fear is written on their face, desperation shown in the lines that adorn their faces. I wonder if they saw it coming? I wondered if they tried to stop it?

I close my eyes, the city noise consuming my soul, and I swear I can hear them cry out. I swear. Men and women alike, different in nationalities, sex and experiences are joined by one thing- to the world, they are faceless. It is human nature to want. And while the majority of the world worries about when the newest cell phone is going to come out, and whether or not they are going to be able to buy that ipod, the homeless wait for a loving hand to rescure them, hoping that love could some how save them.

Out of curiosity, Alice jumped down the rabbit hole, and now she's struck the bottom. How do you help her find her way out?

-Ari

I feel like I owe a lot of people an apology...

for being so consumed in letting the world shape who I am. For what it's worth... I'm sorry I haven't been me. I'm sorry I haven't been living up to my full potential. But most of all, I'm sorry for believing I was worth nothing. I'm sorry for letting those around me convince me I meant zilch. I'm sorry for believing I was uncapable of shinning.

I'm sorry for being fake. I'm sorry for becoming obssessed with what I look like. I'm sorry I thought that if I was just a little more skinny, just a little more funny, just  a little more pretty, that I could be something.

I am my own downfall.

I'm sorry for being stupid, self-absorbed, and scared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99yfE32gTw8

I urgently incourage you all to watch this video. It is about the horrible suffering of thousands of children in Uganda. Each night, children from all over Uganda walk miles and miles and miles into the main city. They are greeted by unsanitary and dismal conditions and are packed into small rooms. There is not nearly enough space for all the children that make a daily treck into the city in hopes of living through one more night... but that is all the government has.

Rebels are trying to take control over Uganda. After not being able to recruit the adult population of Uganda, the rebels have turned to abductiong children in the night and forcing them into a malicious army where they are forced to kill.

The Uganda government has continually sought out America to help... yet there strife and sadness has yet to even make it into our news room.

Please, this April 28th, a group called Invisiblw Children is sponsoring an event to try to make the American community more aware of the ugly life thrust upon the Ugandan children. On the night of April 28th, cities all over the US will be meeting at a designated area to discuss theproblems of the Invisible children and ways to make the US government help these children in desperate need. Afterward, we will spend one night sleeping outside on the streets.

All you have to do is go to http://www.invisiblechildren.com and sign up at the city nearest you. It costs NO money. These children face death every single day... living seems like a miracle and hope is far away. Every night, they go into the city praying that they and their family may live just one more night... every night...All I'm asking for is one...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Nelson Mandela

Superbly said. Maybe I should try it?

 I volunter every sunday morning at my church with the little kids(a program our church calls KidMo). I absolutely love it. I voluntered, thinking I was going to have the pleasure of teaching these crazy cool children of God, and found that I am the one being taught. It is rather remarkable how random things are revealed to you when you least expect it... but God is amazing in that way.  

Working with little kids is absolutely different then I would have ever expected. I have been helping at KidMo for only a couple of months now and it ceases to astonish me how much I learn from

a program designed for kids. But I guess, well, I'm only a kid after all.

I woke up this morning for KidMo after only four hours of sleep. With a cup of coffee in hand, I hastily left my house with a bad attitude. Needless to say, Ari was not in a happy mood.

Today, the lesson to be taught to the children was "filling the empty seats," or rather, telling people about the truth of God by showing love. Some of the breathless responses and remarks from the children were mind blowing. It is weird how someone so young in age can be so intelligent. It was like they had all the answers. They were so sure in themselves and so excepting of everyone... it was truely inspiring. Their innocence was strikingly beautiful.

Their bubbely smiles and silly laughter melted away my bad attitude and I felt really ashamed for my dreadful behavior. It is ridiculous, how selfish one can be. I always talk of wanting to be self-less and humble, yet I fail to put actions behind my words. I am a letdown to myself. I truely want to be more like Christ. I really do want to be able to look into the hearts of others. I want to be able to overcome focusing on their flaws and see them as beautifully as God does. Is that even probable? Does it matter? I want it. I want a soften heart. I want to show love, and give love, and have love, but I have got to stop making empty promises. It's time for my actions to follow my words. It is so much easier to say this then actually do this. But I am no better then the people I judge. My best moments are nothing but filthy rags when compared to that of Jesus. I want to start living in truth.

I'm disgusted with myself. There is no way I can justify my actions... no worthy exscuse. Once again, I have caused myself to stumble over my own pride. It's time I got off my high and mighty horse and truely humbled myself before the Lord.

I live such a privileged life and I am so blessed. It's urgent that I remember this, always, and I must stop asking for the things that are meaningless. Here I am preaching about how selfish the world is, and I fail to mention that I am just as terrible. So I admitt it. I am nothing. I am a sinner. I am no better then anyone on this earth. Kids my age are so nit picky. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be who I have been. So here's a list of things I am committing to do to lead me to the path of humility. It's not a lot, but it's a start. Right?

1) Know God

2) Read the word more.

3) Tell people I love them more then I have. It's important that they know how much they mean to me.

4) Give A LOT more then I have been. 

5) Spend more time appreciating my fmaily, friends, and life.

-ari