absolutely, please.
I can taste change in the air. Unfamiliarity is palpable and the ocean is singing a violent new song. From all sorts of directions, wind is blowing powerfully. Cool wisps of air press roughly against my body, pressing me to move on. Delicate rays of sun are barley filtering through monstrous gray clouds that look as if they are taking a bite out of the blue. A bitter cold is settled in the air; the type that seeps down into the bone and causes one's insides to shake. And with every stride I take, I can feel the steps of those who have walked before me as their stories reverberate through my rib cage and blurs my peripheral line of vision.
It absolutely smells of life and forgiveness.
Two and a half years wasted. Well, nothing of the Lord comes back void, but gosh, what have I been doing? Two and a half years I have proclaimed myself a Christ follower, but never have I truly treaded on the narrow path Jesus calls us to. I have lived in the world, when I have stated publicly to not be of it. I have run down the wide path when things have gotten tough, and now I stand, completely ugly and disgusting. I repulse myself.
It's storming, inside my mind and out. It has been said that nature reflects the natural order of things. Ironic, isn't it, that my heart is beating faster than flashes of lightening and blood is coursing through me faster then the vicious waves crashing. Now that I have rolled down the back window in the attic of my mind, I can see the frightening cob webs and overwhelming dust for what it truly is: a distraction from what I am capable of.
I am guilty. Guilty of being disturbed; a sinner. That is the definition of my life. I can't take it anymore. I won’t. I can no longer hold onto the remnants of my past. When I hold onto it tightly, it leaves painful impressions in the palm of my hands. It's with me. It is me, and I am no longer any different than the person I was before I knew Christ.
Who am I to refuse to be the new creation Christ has willed me to be?
I can taste it on my lips and feel it course through my veins. Its coming: a wild storm that will blow away and cause destruction to the life that I once claimed as my own. Salt is heavy in the air. The ocean spray is traveling father inland, causing everything to taste of the mysterious sea. And just as I lick the salt from my now chapped lips, thirsting for water, I thirst for knowing God. I thirst for knowing and seeing His heart.
So I wait on the cliff, grasping onto the rusted railing that separates me from plummeting through foggy air into rock and sand and sea. But it's coming. Just as I can see the weight of wave crashing on rock, beating the life out of solid ground, I know my time is coming. The Lord disciplines those He loves, and it is time for me to own up to that perverse dealings I swam in, even after proclaiming myself a follower of the Prince of Peace.
This is going to hurt. I don't think I can even imagine the weight of my consequence. It will be more than the waves spilling over the side of the cliffs, threatening to drag me to sea. I am going to have to deal with the things in my life that I have messed up. I am going to be broken down- completely dismantled from the person I once was.
And while I watch the waves breaking below me, feeling the remnants of the crash spray my face causing me to shiver hysterically, I can't help but smile because I know He is faithful. I know that no matter what happens now, I want complete separation from the life I lived. I want to feel the narrow path beneath my feet.
So I stand, completely naked before the Lord. And I am free.
