I really don't have anything important to say.

It's curious, the way in which your body responds to that which is going on around you. I feel like whenever I am home, I emotionall shut down. I don't feel, think, or live. I just am there, trying to get buy without getting the heart ripped off my sleeve. I don't think it's intentional, but, it is as if, whenever I pull up to my drive way, and pass the thresh hold of my house's door, I stop functioning as I should. I find myself not caring, or trying not to, so I don't have to deal what it really going on... how I really feel: disappointed, angry, hurt, scared, frustrated...

So I ask myself, Do I run because I am afraid, or am I afraid because I run.

I think it is that later. I conitually find myself running, causing the limbs and muscles in my legs to ache and scream in pain, but  I won't slow down and the only time I ever stop, or relieve myself from that constant state of moving and not seeing, is when I crash blindly into God.

I hate that I run. I hate that I run for no reason. Because really, I have no right or reason to run. I have love. I have freedom. I have salvation. I have life. Everlasting life. And I can't seem to wrap my mind around it, or slow down long enough to see the glorious and beautiful world God has created around me. I seem to be dwelling on my own disease and self-destruction and inadequacy. It's not right of me.

It's not fair of me... to myself or to God. But I can't seem to shake this raw and harsh need to run.

I think I run because I know I am volnurable. Because I can't take one more person running out of my life, or leaving me, or telling me how much they wish I am not who I am. I can't take that kind of heart ache again. And I am so afraid that He will do that. I am so afraid that one day, He will all of a sudden realise just how worthless and undeserving that I am and no longer love me.

Logically, I know this won't happen. I know that He is an everlasting and unconditional love. I've felt it. I've seen it. I know it. But I don't feel it now.

I just really need to believe in the promises God has made to me.

I have to stop believing everyone but the originater of truth.

I want, no, need to be craddled in the arms of God Himself.