Not completely dead.
It was not until the beginning of the year 2007 that I began to understand the blessing that God has given me in the location in which I live; I am, ofcourse, talking about the beach that lies to the west of my room, I measly 5 minutes away from my house.
I find it hard to accurately describe the tantalizing captivity the ocean holds over me. It's weird, this feeling. Something obscure and incomprehensible tugging at my sould, beckoning me to lose all innner thoughts to a mysterious pallet of blues, greens, browns and grays that sway nauseously like a ballet corp.
It was there that today I found something... or maybe lost something? I'm not to sure yet.
As I layed outstretched upon the sand, welcoming the gritty texture of decomposing sediments, a thought flittered across my mind so fast, I for sure thought it would leave as fast as it came... but it stayed with me and is weighing heavily upon my heart. I'm not even sure how to explain it, but I'll give it a try.
Every time I go to the beach, I know it is because a begrudgingly ugly and disgusting thought or action needs to be analyzed. This type of picking apart of ones self is so unbelievably... hard. Just hard. The waves beautiful symphany lulls me into a place of acceptance and tranquility as I let my mind and soul fight over what was and what has come to pass.
It is but a week before I am to leave on a one month trip of pouring out and sharing God's love... and I don't know how to do it. Am I capable of doing it? Here I am, believing in God, but it is not nearly enough. God did not call us to believe it Him. He called us to follow Him, and for the past couple of weeks, I have chosen to lead my own life, and it is going to the dogs. I'm watching history repeat itself. I know how to stop the vile cycle, but am to transfixed by the mysterious waves of the world.
I have scarcely picked up my bible and actually had quiet time with God. I am mean, and instigatting dreadful situations for not only myself, but others- as well as falling apart at the seams due to my own selfishness. I've sat ready, waiting for the opportune moment to shove my finger down my thraot and rid my stomach of it's contants because of my own insecurity, and I've let my imagination travel into desperate cornors of my own mind- ones I am to ashamed to let other people know I have thought about or done.
It's like the ocean is my world. Grotesque waves smash upon my ground, beckoning me to play in a pool of water with deciving undertoes ready to snatch me up and let me drown.
I know the water is going to be cold.. no, freezing, but I let it lure me into a false sense of security and put a foot in. Why do I act shocked when the ferverous cold creeps into my bone. The knowledge was there, but easily dismissed. So I sit there, mentally slapping myself for placing my foot into the water, yet failing to simply pull it out.
Soon my foot grows numb and I can't feel. I place my left foot in, following step, and repeat, until my whole body is submerged... and I forgot I don't know how to swim. So I quietly drown, putting up a pathetic fight, all the while honestly wondering how I allowed myself to get so deep.
Where do I go from there? I don't know how to get out of this one. I can't argue my way from this. No one is to blame but me. And here I am, still drowning, wishing I would've taken the swimming lessons my father offered me.
Utterly screwed comes to mind- as well as unworthy to resurface for air. Maybe I should let myself drown.
And when I think this, I only sink faster.
Why am I not putting my whole effort into following Christ. What am I scared of? I squawk like a bird when it comes to what I should be doing to save the world and how humanity fails miserably at helping others.
I can complain and wine all I want at the down fall of man, but I will get no where until I face the facts.
I am my own fault.
I am the reason why man is bad. It is me. Can one be so scared of their own reflection? Why am I letting the worldly image of me hold back who I am in Christ.
Am I so scared of being alone?
Will I be able to pull it together in time enough to tell God's children about the amazing love story of God, whilst convincing myself that amungst all the bad I have committed, I am forgiven. There's no rocks to hide under. Just me, and waves tossing my mind around, picking apart my motives.
Have I really allowed myseld to become so absorbed in what has happened with my these last couple of months that I have become something I dread- a zombie with heaven in their head and hell in their heart?
No, I refuse to walk away any further than I already have. Maybe I just needed to get this off my chest first. Maybe I needed to be the bigger person an admitt this somewhere other then an afterthought to a stupid decision. Is this a start? I don't know, but it is something.
Okay Ari, the choice is yours: continue to walk the direction you are going, and you will end up in your own grave. Or, turn around, and allow yourself to be carried by the creator of all things.
I want to do a 360, I do. I need to get over this fear of messing up and being unable to go back to the Father for forgiveness. I need to stop trying to swim without my flotation devices. Otherwise, I will sink faster than the titanic.
So here I go. I need to fall away from the past.
Father God, please, grant me the strength to do this. I beseech you, Father. There is something I have done. Father, there is so much I have done and said that by no means can be undone. I ask for forgiveness. My creator, create in me a heart worthy of being called Yours.
