I really don't have anything important to say.

My weird mood has ceased to exist, but I think today, something happened.

Moi, seriously one of the best bands ever, came all the way down here to play at my church. It was... stirring, amazing, inspirational? They just have something more, you know? Don't get me wrong, Moi has a beautiful voice, and Daly and Matt and Daly's lil bro (I'm really sorry, but his name just does not ring a bell) are truly musically gifted... but it's not necessarily that which makes them an incredible band... it's their passion for Christ and passion for understanding others that makes them as wonderful as they really are. I feel really blessed that they came out here and shared the evening with me and my church.

It was like having a little peice of Hume when I needed it the most.

Emotionally, there is so much going on right now. I can't even pin point what it is, and why it is effecting me the way it is... but I've been sincerly struggling with who I am and what I am here for... what I am good at.

I have set so many goals for myself, I can't keep track anymore. I've been letting my insecurities control my life, and it has put me at a really low place. I'm so scared of letting everyone down. I'm so afraid of failing. I know I should only be worrying about what it is that He thinks, and how I can please Him, but that is not where my mind set has been. I would by lying if I said I truly have been trying to live up to my full potential in Christ.

I guess you can say that tonight, I had some what of a small epiphany. I have always had trouble with comparing myselfs to others, and letting my insecurities dictate what I do and what I am capable of. Tonight, as Moi was speaking of God's unconditional love, I felt like crying. I felt like trying just breaking myseld open and exposing myself raw before God.

At Hume, I honestly did make the commitment of trusting God completely. Coming back from Hume, for a while, it was easy and I could do it. But as things kept getting hurled at me, and the tests got harder... I began to trip more frequently. I hate it. I hate dissapointing others... but moreover, I just feel horrible when I dissapoint God.

It's so hard to lay down one's pride and realize we're not perfect. My want for perfection is useless and selfish. Who am I helping by constantly worrying about whether or not I am pleasing another? It is an audience of one. I say it all the time... but I really need to start listening to it.

So, I have decided to take life one step at a time. I need to allow God to work on me, on peice at a time, instead of asking that he would change me all at one.

Right now, I really need to work on my ability to love. I need to let people love me. I need to actually believe that I am worth something, that I can be loved, and I should be loved. How am I trusting God if I don't listen to Him when He says I am significant.

It's easy to make up excuses, but it's time to stop lying to myself. No matter how much I have been hurt, or convinced that I am unloveable, well, does that really matter? At the end of the day, I am a creation of God, not the world. I have an all knowing Father that created me uniquely and I need to see the beauty He has created in me.

Maybe this sounds silly, but I think I need to get up in the morning, and as I'm getting ready to start my day, thank God that He made me the way He did. I need to be thankful that I was created in His image and that He loves me even though I am not perfect.

Though this seems like something that should be  extremely obvious, I feel like I just jumped one hurtle that has been thrown in my path. It's some sort of small accomplishment.

-ari

p.s. Check out the band The Cinematics. They were an opener for the Mute Math concert I went to and are sooo good. I was listening to their CD while I wrote this =)