I really don't have anything important to say.

I know, It's been a while since I have last blogged... but.. I don't know. I've been in such a funk. I have found it unexplainabley harder and harder for me to express myself. Everytime I open my mouth, I feel stupid. Everything I write seems insufficient. I feel like anything I say and write is only a pathetic attempt to depict the world in which I live... And I am failing miserabley at it. It is truely like I am swimming in my own thoughts. I feel so much, but I can't define what it is I am feeling. I can't pick out one thought from another.

I feel like things are attacking me from all sides. Bullets are pelting me from the right, and as I nurse my new wounds, an unseen bullet strikes from behind. How do I deal? Maybe I'm just being over dramatic. No, I am being over dramatic. I just... argh.

I went to the beach today with Kels. It was amazingly euphoric. I sprawled out on the beach, determined to melt into the sand and be washed away by the emerald colored waves. Insane? Ohh, I am completely aware of my loosing my mind. I sat in the sunlight lightly giggeling to random bits of conversation, and my rythmatic breathing copied that of the loud crashing of the waves. As I layed upside down on a dune, sand sprinkled all over my clothes and hair, I just stared... stared out. I was there. But I wasn't.

I want to be able to forget all aspects of time. I want to lose myself. I want to exist. I want to embody love. I want to... I want too much.

After dropping Kelsey off at home, I started on my way home. my tank was nearing empty, and at that moment, I wanted nothing more then to continue driving. I wanted to drive as far away as my car would allow, until the tank was devoid of all gas and my car died.

It was freezing out, but I didn't care. I turned on the heat full blast, rolled down all my windows, and screamed. I guess that would've looked weird to any cars passing by, but that didn't cross my mind. I don't know why I screamed. It was such a strange impulse, and I did it.

My senses are heightened, my feet iching to increase their milage, and I'm taking deep breaths. I'm so ready to run. The real question... what do I want to run away from?