I really don't have anything important to say.

We are called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding.

http://www.twloha.com/the_story.php

I feel like I owe a lot of people an apology...

for being so consumed in letting the world shape who I am. For what it's worth... I'm sorry I haven't been me. I'm sorry I haven't been living up to my full potential. But most of all, I'm sorry for believing I was worth nothing. I'm sorry for letting those around me convince me I meant zilch. I'm sorry for believing I was uncapable of shinning.

I'm sorry for being fake. I'm sorry for becoming obssessed with what I look like. I'm sorry I thought that if I was just a little more skinny, just a little more funny, just  a little more pretty, that I could be something.

I am my own downfall.

I'm sorry for being stupid, self-absorbed, and scared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99yfE32gTw8

I urgently incourage you all to watch this video. It is about the horrible suffering of thousands of children in Uganda. Each night, children from all over Uganda walk miles and miles and miles into the main city. They are greeted by unsanitary and dismal conditions and are packed into small rooms. There is not nearly enough space for all the children that make a daily treck into the city in hopes of living through one more night... but that is all the government has.

Rebels are trying to take control over Uganda. After not being able to recruit the adult population of Uganda, the rebels have turned to abductiong children in the night and forcing them into a malicious army where they are forced to kill.

The Uganda government has continually sought out America to help... yet there strife and sadness has yet to even make it into our news room.

Please, this April 28th, a group called Invisiblw Children is sponsoring an event to try to make the American community more aware of the ugly life thrust upon the Ugandan children. On the night of April 28th, cities all over the US will be meeting at a designated area to discuss theproblems of the Invisible children and ways to make the US government help these children in desperate need. Afterward, we will spend one night sleeping outside on the streets.

All you have to do is go to http://www.invisiblechildren.com and sign up at the city nearest you. It costs NO money. These children face death every single day... living seems like a miracle and hope is far away. Every night, they go into the city praying that they and their family may live just one more night... every night...All I'm asking for is one...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Nelson Mandela

Superbly said. Maybe I should try it?

 I volunter every sunday morning at my church with the little kids(a program our church calls KidMo). I absolutely love it. I voluntered, thinking I was going to have the pleasure of teaching these crazy cool children of God, and found that I am the one being taught. It is rather remarkable how random things are revealed to you when you least expect it... but God is amazing in that way.  

Working with little kids is absolutely different then I would have ever expected. I have been helping at KidMo for only a couple of months now and it ceases to astonish me how much I learn from

a program designed for kids. But I guess, well, I'm only a kid after all.

I woke up this morning for KidMo after only four hours of sleep. With a cup of coffee in hand, I hastily left my house with a bad attitude. Needless to say, Ari was not in a happy mood.

Today, the lesson to be taught to the children was "filling the empty seats," or rather, telling people about the truth of God by showing love. Some of the breathless responses and remarks from the children were mind blowing. It is weird how someone so young in age can be so intelligent. It was like they had all the answers. They were so sure in themselves and so excepting of everyone... it was truely inspiring. Their innocence was strikingly beautiful.

Their bubbely smiles and silly laughter melted away my bad attitude and I felt really ashamed for my dreadful behavior. It is ridiculous, how selfish one can be. I always talk of wanting to be self-less and humble, yet I fail to put actions behind my words. I am a letdown to myself. I truely want to be more like Christ. I really do want to be able to look into the hearts of others. I want to be able to overcome focusing on their flaws and see them as beautifully as God does. Is that even probable? Does it matter? I want it. I want a soften heart. I want to show love, and give love, and have love, but I have got to stop making empty promises. It's time for my actions to follow my words. It is so much easier to say this then actually do this. But I am no better then the people I judge. My best moments are nothing but filthy rags when compared to that of Jesus. I want to start living in truth.

I'm disgusted with myself. There is no way I can justify my actions... no worthy exscuse. Once again, I have caused myself to stumble over my own pride. It's time I got off my high and mighty horse and truely humbled myself before the Lord.

I live such a privileged life and I am so blessed. It's urgent that I remember this, always, and I must stop asking for the things that are meaningless. Here I am preaching about how selfish the world is, and I fail to mention that I am just as terrible. So I admitt it. I am nothing. I am a sinner. I am no better then anyone on this earth. Kids my age are so nit picky. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be who I have been. So here's a list of things I am committing to do to lead me to the path of humility. It's not a lot, but it's a start. Right?

1) Know God

2) Read the word more.

3) Tell people I love them more then I have. It's important that they know how much they mean to me.

4) Give A LOT more then I have been. 

5) Spend more time appreciating my fmaily, friends, and life.

-ari

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you
After You
Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

-the fray

I decided I am not capable of doing anything involving working at a desk. Nope, no way, can't do it. I nearly went insane typing up an auction booklet for a silent auction Kels and I are doing to fundraise for our missions trip this summer. After a 5 hour meeting involving book keeping and sorting, there came a 3 hour period of logging the information into the computer. Ari does not approve. I think I shall never become anything that involves a desk job. I can't handle it. I nearly went nutz... no, I did.

I uhm.. this is... this makes me want to cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_aDpmfAzxI

This morning, I woke up to the sound of the fog horn silently beeping in the distance. I shook out the coldness that stiffened my body and sat up in bed thinking. What a change these last couple of days has made in my life. Is it possible for a person to change so significantly in such a short span of time? In God... all things are possible.

When I signed up to go to Hume, I was going in the hopes of running; running from myself. As I hastily ran from the problems and follies I had caused, I ran straight into God. This past year... these past couple of years, have been a huge trial. I made the decision to accept Christ into my heart a year ago, but I never followed through with my vow. Such betrayal is sickening. God has continually showed me love, forgiveness, and grace, yet I flirted with temptation and kissed death right on the lips, throwing everything God gave me right back in his face.

Yes, this past week I escaped- escaped from all the lies I allowed the world to feed me, and was forced to truely see myself. God gave me this week to reflect of who I have been and who I should be... what I am capable of achieving. As I sat in the small coffee shop, Hume Bean, with God's glory surrounding me, I jumped off the cliff I was trapped on and fell through my sick mind. Spiraling through my thoughts, I was able to truely see who I was and what a fake I have been.

This whole time, I have been playing at a masquerade ball, dancing with deception and hiding behind a captivating dress of falseness. All this time, I allowed myself to believe that the mask I was wearing could hide my troubles and mess ups.

I was drowning in the ocean of my own mendacity. The waves came crashing down, and I was to tired to continue to swim under the crashing waves of my falsehood. I was chocking on my own dishonesty.

The clock struck twelve, and Cinderella was expossed as the soiled maid she truely was. As my mask fell from my face and shattered on the door, the waves stopped tossing and the storm calmed.

How is it that something that appears to be so easy is incredibly difficult? All God was asking me to do was admitt to my denial and trust Him.. He just wanted to see me as I truely am... no more lies. I had gotten so used to watching history repeat itself. I was so used to allowing myself to get hurt that I could not see the true beauty that was stairing me in the face.

Up at Hume, I met God face to face... without my mask to hide the true repulsiveness that I am. In his eyes, I found the back door to the universe, and saw truth in the constellation of His heart.

All God wanted was me... He wanted me. Even with all my filth, sins, and confusion, God wanted to love me. So God, I come. Take me. All of me. I want to be Yours... and only yours. I come empty handed and broken. But Father God, I trust You. I want Your love to be enough. Jesus... You are enough. You are.

The other night, I had this dream. It was nothing short of remarkable.

I was hitching my way from city to city in God knows where, with nothing more then a backpack on my back, a couple dollars in my pocket, and my camera in my hand. Such an adventure! I don't think I've ever seen myself look so happy... even if it was only in a dream.

Down a ways from existence, a left turn on eternity, there is a cliff I like to run away to and watch the sunset. I drown in the melodic sound of water hitting rock and melt into the floor of my conscience. I was there the other night, lost in my own world.

I feel enclosed. Trapped. Betrayed? No, that's not the right word. I need to get out of here. I'm going insane. I'm ready for life to happen. I'm ready to be on my own. I hate being dependent on people. I'm ready to blossom, but there is something blocking my sun. I feel like my family has me encaged. Is it bad that I wish to be completely independent from my family right now? Oh my, don't get me wrong. I love them all very much. I just feel like they're holding me back. Hm, that sounds a little harsh, as well.

I'm tired of having to play mom to everyone. I'm tired of being the peace keeper. My parents are continually trying to make me there little scholar. They expect intellectual greatness out of me. I can't give them what they desire. I can't be the kind of greatness they want. I'm just not that intelligent. I can't handle the stress, and I'm nearly at my breaking point. Is it possible that I am just being a drama queen? yeah... probably. I just feel like I am capable of doing so much more, so why can't my parents see that. My life isn't in books. I'm not a failure. Or atleast, I don't think I am. Voices and voices swirl around my head yelling to me who I am and what I can do. So much confusion. So much loudness, I'm going to go deaf. Would that be a bad thing?

Maybe they're right. Maybe I can't take on the world...

but I want to try.

I'm waiting for the calm to come after the storm. I'm waiting for clearity. I know they are wrong. I know I am worth more then they say I am. So why do I constantly give into their insults and slander? It's hard not to believe them. They make a convincing argument. I've tried to please them for to long. It sucks... having this feeling that no matter what you do, you will never be quiet what they wanted. Inadequacy. I'm chocking. I need air.

I want them to know me. Truely know me. Maybe that's to much to ask? After all, it's not like I know my parents all that well, either. I don't want to feel like I have to hide myself when I am around them. I want to get away, be on my own. I want to fly.

I'm here for a reason. This emotion, these family problems- they're happening for a reason. Maybe that's all I am sure of at the moment. Maybe all I know is that I'm here, feeling the way I am feeling. But that's a start. I need to be patient.

How funny. Patience seems to be the underlying theme of my life at the moment.

Today I went to a local gallery to speak with this really amazing photographer, (though the guys name escapes me now. how ironic!) with my photography class. It was rather interesting, conversing with him about all the different qualities of photography and arguining over what made a good picture. Gosh, I love it. When I get behind a camera, how can it be that such a small thing as the lens forces me to truely look at what I am seeing? Taking pictures allows me to view things in a different way. It's an eye opener. Suddenly, it feels as if I can look into the soul of another and figuire out what makes them tick. With each flash and click of the camera, I drfit closer and closer to the person, or object I am photographing, and escape my own world and dance across theirs. It's insane.

I'm insane...